Depression.

Depression is the worst. Especially coupled with crippling anxiety. I deal with suffocating depression constantly. My moods are up and down. Most mornings I don't even want to get out of bed. Most days I just want curl up in my blankets, watch netflix and deal with no one and nothing. Being in Barstow pretty much gurantees a huge lapse in this sucking black hole of melancholy, self doubt and anxiety. This place is bad for me. It turns me into this emotional wreck. I can't cope here. When I'm back home surrounded by family, friends, smog and civilization I'm more myself. I laugh, I joke, I smile, I'm able to leave the house without having a panic attack. I'm human. My emotional and mental battles are all compounded by the lonliness and the everyday stresses. The smallest things can elicit tears and an emotional explosion. I feel like a shell.

My car is in the shop right now. I was expecting to receive some money last week so that I could fix it. I just found out that money wont be coming until the end of the month. I start school today. I have no money to buy books. My marriage is a failure. My self esteem is shot. I need to makea trip the grocery store. Yet, I can't because I am car-less. I got told off by a woman in my son's school office because I told her he wouldn't be able to make it to school today because we are having car issues. She informed me that, that is NOT a valid excuse and that I should have put him on a bus. I'm not throwing my kid onto a bus when he's never taken one before. I am not changing his routine for one day. What if he forgets to get on the bus on the ride back? What then? I already felt bad enough calling in his absence without her making me feel like utter crap. My neighbors are horrible, loud, obnoxious trash. I'm taking care of 3 kids 24/7 while going to school. It is driving me nuts. There's always a mess. There's always someone whining and crying. There is always someone needing something. I'm exhausted. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I see nothing attractive, no redeeming qualities. I just want to disappear. I just want to sleep.

But, I can't. I have to keep going for the kids. I'm falling apart but I have to push forward. I want to be loved, not lied to and cheated on. I want to be taken care of. I want some peace and happiness. I want to look like this all the time: Smiling, happy, full of life. That is me. Not this colorless shell I am when I'm here.

Black and Blue....

Hi! This post is all about my hair. lol I'm letting it grow out. I dyed it bright teal.... Excuse the bed head :)


And now its back to black...


I miss the teal. I feel rather plain with black hair. But, I'm sure I'll adjust to it in no time.

Oh, and I also got a new tattoo a little while ago :)

Easing into with "Me A to Z"

I saw this post on Betsy's blog From the Mind of AlphaBetsy and I thought this would be a nice easy post to ease me back into blog. So, much has been going on. Good and bad, lots of crafty stuff, too. I'll hopefully update later :)

A.Age: 25
B.Bed size: Full :(
C.Chore that you hate: All of them. I'd much rather being doing other things, like crafting :)
D.Dogs: One. Nellie. She lives with my mom because out apartment is too small for her :(
E.Essential start to your day: Herbal Tea
F.Favorite color: Neon Green
G.Gold or Silver: Silver
H.Height: 5'3"
I.Instruments you play: Nada
J.Job title: SAHM and Student
K.Kids: 3
L.Live: Barstow, Ca
M.Mother's name: Maggie
N.Nicknames: Angie, Ang, Jelly, Jello, Angel, Zombie Queen, ZQ
O.Overnight hospital stays: 3. One for each kiddo
P.Pet peeve: Everyone in Barstow.
Q.Quote from a movie: Albus Dumbledore: The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.
R.Right or left handed: Right
S.Siblings: 1 brother
T.Time you wake up: between 630 and 730
U.Underwear: At this moment? Bright purple with hot pink lace trim
V.Vegetable you hate: Can't think of any. I love vegetables.
W.What makes you run late: The kids
X.X-Rays you've had: teeth, chest, head, abdomen, leg
Y.Yummy food that you make: Everything!!! I'm effing awesome in the kitchen!
Z.Zoo animal: Sea life in HUGE aquariums

My Shop- Arachne Fiber Arts!

I wanted to let you guys know that I finally got around to opening up a shop on Etsy for my hand spun yarns and hand painted fiber for spinning or felting. I'm not hoping to make a living out of this shop. But, I'd like to make a little money to support my crafting :) I love spinning, felting, dyeing and knitting. I pretty much love all things to do with fiber. Please take a look and tell me what you think. Get free shipping or 15% off your entire purchase when you mention my blog. Find my shop here

Here's a peek of the some fiber and yarn available in the shop:

Vampire Girl 1 and 2- Merino and Tencel yarns


Vampire Girl 2- Merino and Tencel yarn


Sea Foam- Merino and Tencel yarn


Rose Garden- Merino and Tussah Silk fiber.


Oceania- Wensleydale Fiber


Fairy Wings- Merino and Tussah Silk Fiber


Aurora Borealis and Northern Lights- BFL Fiber



I would love to make a banner and logo for the shop but I haven;t a clue what to do for the graphics. The name sake of my shop is, of course, Arachne. This is what Wikipedia has to say about her... "Arachne was a great mortal weaver who bhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifoasted that her skill was greater than that of Minerva, the Latin parallel of Pallas Athena, goddess of wisdom and crafts. Arachne refused to acknowledge that her knowledge came, in part at least, from the goddess. The offended goddess set a contest between the two weavers. According to Ovid, the goddess was so envious of the magnificent tapestry and the mortal weaver's success, and perhaps offended by the girl's choice of subjects (the loves and transgressions of the gods), that she destroyed the tapestry and loom and slashed the girl's face."

New Year, Old me....

Hello all!!! My, oh my! It has been quite a while since I've blogged. I had all these plans to get my self blogging regularly. Obviously, they went completely out the window. lol I can;t promise that this year will be any better. Life is crazy and hectic. I'm trying to better myself. That takes even more of my precious little free time. Many things have changed since I have last blogged and even more have stayed the same. For starters, I've decided to take a couple months off of school and when I do return I will only be going half time instead of full time. I don't know how long I'll continue going half time. Maybe a just a semester or two. Another change... I've shaved my head! I had a mohawk but that was WAAAAAAAAAY too much of a pain to keep up. Here's a photo of my mohawk:



And this is me now:


So yea.... a goal of mine this year, is to not cut my hair at all. I want to grow it out so badly! But, I do love a good head shaving. Wish me luck on my hair growing endeavor. So for another major difference this year... We have a pup! Her is name is Asoka (My son named her for a Star Wars character) and we adopted her from the local animal shelter. She is a such a gentle love!!! We totally lucked out with her :)


Other than those I think things are pretty much the same :)

I do, however, wish to change that. I have made a list of things I want to accomplish this year. I haven't completely complied a craft related goal list yet. But here is my general list thus far:

1- Take a multi vitamin daily
2- Drink at least 8 cups of water/herbal tea daily
3- Exercise for at least 30 minutes 5 times a week
4- Stretch daily
5- Make more time for my spirituality
6- Read at least 6 new books
7- Journal at least 4 times a week
8- Meditate at least twice a week
9- Track my food intake
10- Make more time for myself
11- Learn to roller skate

I've gotten a pretty good start if I do say so myself. I know all of this wont be accomplished over night. I wont I start journaling or remembering to take my vitamins every day, right off the bat. I have been exercising regularly. I joined a roller derby exercise challenge to help me along the way. The challenge includes weekly lists of exercises and food recommendations. There is even a prize at the end of the challenge. the challenge started today. I am totally psyched!

Anywho I better be off :)

Do not enter this super awesome giveaway...

;) Rune Soup is hosting an amazingly awesome giveaway!!! But, seriously... don't enter it. I need all the chances I get to win.
Giveaway

Awesome Halloween Giveaway from Mrs. B!!

I would be totally floored to win the full set of the Weiser Field Guides!!! Check out it awesome giveaway for a chance to win :)
http://www.confessionsofapagansoccermom.com/2008/10/giveaway-from-weiser-books_31.html