Stuck in my head.

That's where I've been as of late. I do have a post planned for WIP Wednesday. I'll work on it as soon as I pry myself from my obsessive, over analyzing, pessimistic mind. Looks like I'll be needing to give myself another swift kick in ass to assure that I don't retreat to full blown hermit status. I've fallen off the wagon with my positive thinking, meditation, deep breathing, journaling and phobia/anxiety exposure work. Blah.

WIP Friday

WIP Friday doesn't roll off the tongue quite as nicely as WIP Wednesday, does it? Yup, I totally missed posting on Wednesday. I have a completely valid reason, though. I was feeling really melancholy and uninspired. The reason for that? I filed divorce papers on Tuesday. It has really been a long time in making. I don't remember the last time I was happy in the relationship, the last time I felt like someone's partner. I may have held the title of "wife" and was "married" but it didn't feel that way. It's time to start fresh. Start over. I am thankful for all that I have learned, for the amount that I have grown and matured. I now know exactly what I want out of life and a life partner. I'm freaked out but looking forward to pushing forward and healing myself. Unfortunately, my anxiety and depression slammed me this week. I've been making myself work out each day but I've been slacking on my meditation, journaling, positive affirmations and abdominal breathing. Sooooo... I told myself that if I can get back into the swing of things again that I get a new tattoo! lol Nothing motivates me quite like some new form of body modification, crafting supplies or good food/drink/music/reading material. I've finished spinning the singles for both of the yarns from last week. Just have to play them. I started spinning a new yarn for a swap I'm in on Ravelry. I also finished the mermaid scales cowl for the lovely Nim <3 I've made a ton of progress on Adeline's "Summer Breeze" top. I'm hoping to start some socks for Heather and a summery tank for myself one I cast off Adeline's "Summer Breeze" I stretched my septum again!!! I'm up to an 8 gauge! Woooooo!!! I'm wearing a Gorilla Glass tusk :)

Check out the awesome stuff Nim from Rude and Reckless sent me. I love this girl and her crafty awesomeness.

The brain soaps smell wonderful.

WIP Wednesday

It's Wednesday and it's all about Works in Progress :) I'm hoping to make this a weekly feature. These weekly posts will not only cover my crafty endeavors, they'll also cover my schooling, exercising/health and updates on my ongoing journey to become a more grounded and happy person. So, let's get the show on the road! I have a couple of knitting projects going on. They're both smaller projects for special people in my life :) First up is the "Summer Breeze" strappy top for Adeline. I'm knitting it in Nashua Ivy. It's dreamy, drapey alpaca and sparkle yarn. I modified the amount of stitches I cast on to fit Adeline's small frame. I previously knit one for Azalea. She loves it!!! I'm planning to finish off Adeline's top with some cutesy popscicle buttons I got from the ever fantastic and whimsically wonderful Nim of Rude and Reckless.

As you can see I don't have much done. However, it is quick knit and a great take-a-long project. Next up in the knitting category is cowl I'm knitting for the aforementioned Nim. This girl is amazing, she gives me the warm and fuzzies everytime I think about her. We've only met once but I consider her a dear friend! She is thoughtful, kind, funny, witty, intelligent, super crafty and has impeccable taste in desserts. So, to show her my appreciation I'm knitting her the "Honey Cowl" in some handspun pure silk yarn called "Seafoam" that I spun a few weeks ago. I'm knitting the shorter version as I only have about 240 yards. The yarn is a lovely slightly thick and thin single ply of incredible softness. As I was knitting it, I realized that the stitch pattern resembled the scales of a mermaid tail. Nim and I are both avid fantasy enthusiasts. So, "Mermaid Scales" it is :)

That's it for knitting! On to SPINNING! I also have two projects going on. I picked up my drop spindle after months of not using it. I started to feel the itch for my trusty ol' drop spindle. I love how portable drop spindles are and the fact that they are so simple to use. Both of the fibers I'm spinning are from Storied Yarns. Jess, the owner, cleverly creates her yarns and fibers after characters it books and movies. I am an avid book reader. Needless to say, this wasn't my first nor last purchase from Jess. Up first is "The Other Mother" a lovely Coraline inspired batt of BFL, Merino, sari silk, Firestar and other wools. It is incredibly lofty and soft with just the right amount of texture. It has been a joy to spin.

Next up is "Halloween Town" a squishable Nightmare Before Christmas inspired BFL roving. I LOVE the veritable kaleidoscopic of colors in this roving. The colors are saturated but I haven't encountered any felted bits that can sometimes happen with super saturated fibers. The picture definitely doesn't do the colors justice. Unfortunately, the battery for my camera was dead. I'll try to update with a better picture. I am really proud of the spinning for this yarn. I've mostly been spinning textured yarns as of late. However, the yarn I'm producing is crazily even and thin. I'm planning to navajo ply it to preserve the pretty color transitions.

I should mention that both of these fibers were custom made for me because I bought the "Large Surprise Package full of Yarn OR Fibery Goodness" listing in her store. I got a perfectly tailored box of goodies. Last up for my crafty WIPs is a little bit of embroidery I've been working on intermittently. It's nothing special, just a sampler on a small throw pillow cover. The pattern and pillow cover are both from Sublime Stitching.

My life is my most time intensive and serious WIP. I've dedicated myself to getting healthier physically and mentally. As of late my life has been like a roller coaster. As a result my depression, anxiety and agoraphobia flared up. I also found out that I'm prediabetic and have prehypertension. Yikes!!! That is some scary stuff. My first instinct was to just curl and basically withdraw into my shell. But, I managed to pull the pieces of myself together. I've implemented daily exercise, meditation, deep breathing, journaling, positive affirmations and healthy eating. I feel so much better!!! I am slowly but surely getting my life back in order. I am able to leave the house without having a total melt down. I feel like a human again. My endurance has increased immensely and I've lost over 20 pounds. I'm still a WIP but I'm one step closer to actualizing the woman I want to be :)

My oldest and I :) I've also stretched my septum and lip holes ;) Only bit. But, a little is better than nothing. My septum is up to 10 gauge and my lip holes are 14 gauge(they weren't really a stretch at all) I'm not sure how much larger I'll go. Stretching is addictive! I'd like to get my septum to at least a 6 gauge and my upper lip piercings to at least an 8 gauge.

I'm really close to graduating. That has brought on some serious contemplation about my future. What do I want to DO?! I THINK (lol) I've narrowed it down to either a museum curator or librarian for a large academic/research library. Well, I think this post substantive enough! I've got to get the kiddos off to bed :)

So, I'm crazy.

I finally broke down and went to the doctor's. I listed my ailments. He ordered some tests. Prescribed Zoloft. Referred me to get some psych therapy. Of course, the whole time I was having an utter mental melt down. I have a phobia of all things medical. I have had the Zoloft for a few days but have yet to take it. The list of possible side effects is more than daunting. I went to the local mental health clinic for an intake appointment. I'm poor. So, the facility is paid for by the county I live in. Almost everyone in there looked like they were only firing on one cylinder. I seemed to be the only coherent person there. Once I was seen by an intake clinician, I was a billion questions. He, of course, assumed based on my appearance that I was some illiterate, drug and alcohol swilling broad. Guess one can't have tattoos, green hair, piercings and stretched ears while maintaining an above average level of intelligence. Good to know. Anyways, he diagnosed me with panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression. Yikes. I have a long road ahead of me. I'm scared and most of the time I feel like I'm barely functioning. Everything overwhelms me. But, at least I took the first steps to getting help and getting better. I can't wait until the day I can go grocery shopping, enter a mall or walk into a movie theater without imploding.

Depression.

Depression is the worst. Especially coupled with crippling anxiety. I deal with suffocating depression constantly. My moods are up and down. Most mornings I don't even want to get out of bed. Most days I just want curl up in my blankets, watch netflix and deal with no one and nothing. Being in Barstow pretty much gurantees a huge lapse in this sucking black hole of melancholy, self doubt and anxiety. This place is bad for me. It turns me into this emotional wreck. I can't cope here. When I'm back home surrounded by family, friends, smog and civilization I'm more myself. I laugh, I joke, I smile, I'm able to leave the house without having a panic attack. I'm human. My emotional and mental battles are all compounded by the lonliness and the everyday stresses. The smallest things can elicit tears and an emotional explosion. I feel like a shell.

My car is in the shop right now. I was expecting to receive some money last week so that I could fix it. I just found out that money wont be coming until the end of the month. I start school today. I have no money to buy books. My marriage is a failure. My self esteem is shot. I need to makea trip the grocery store. Yet, I can't because I am car-less. I got told off by a woman in my son's school office because I told her he wouldn't be able to make it to school today because we are having car issues. She informed me that, that is NOT a valid excuse and that I should have put him on a bus. I'm not throwing my kid onto a bus when he's never taken one before. I am not changing his routine for one day. What if he forgets to get on the bus on the ride back? What then? I already felt bad enough calling in his absence without her making me feel like utter crap. My neighbors are horrible, loud, obnoxious trash. I'm taking care of 3 kids 24/7 while going to school. It is driving me nuts. There's always a mess. There's always someone whining and crying. There is always someone needing something. I'm exhausted. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I see nothing attractive, no redeeming qualities. I just want to disappear. I just want to sleep.

But, I can't. I have to keep going for the kids. I'm falling apart but I have to push forward. I want to be loved, not lied to and cheated on. I want to be taken care of. I want some peace and happiness. I want to look like this all the time: Smiling, happy, full of life. That is me. Not this colorless shell I am when I'm here.

Black and Blue....

Hi! This post is all about my hair. lol I'm letting it grow out. I dyed it bright teal.... Excuse the bed head :)


And now its back to black...


I miss the teal. I feel rather plain with black hair. But, I'm sure I'll adjust to it in no time.

Oh, and I also got a new tattoo a little while ago :)

Easing into with "Me A to Z"

I saw this post on Betsy's blog From the Mind of AlphaBetsy and I thought this would be a nice easy post to ease me back into blog. So, much has been going on. Good and bad, lots of crafty stuff, too. I'll hopefully update later :)

A.Age: 25
B.Bed size: Full :(
C.Chore that you hate: All of them. I'd much rather being doing other things, like crafting :)
D.Dogs: One. Nellie. She lives with my mom because out apartment is too small for her :(
E.Essential start to your day: Herbal Tea
F.Favorite color: Neon Green
G.Gold or Silver: Silver
H.Height: 5'3"
I.Instruments you play: Nada
J.Job title: SAHM and Student
K.Kids: 3
L.Live: Barstow, Ca
M.Mother's name: Maggie
N.Nicknames: Angie, Ang, Jelly, Jello, Angel, Zombie Queen, ZQ
O.Overnight hospital stays: 3. One for each kiddo
P.Pet peeve: Everyone in Barstow.
Q.Quote from a movie: Albus Dumbledore: The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.
R.Right or left handed: Right
S.Siblings: 1 brother
T.Time you wake up: between 630 and 730
U.Underwear: At this moment? Bright purple with hot pink lace trim
V.Vegetable you hate: Can't think of any. I love vegetables.
W.What makes you run late: The kids
X.X-Rays you've had: teeth, chest, head, abdomen, leg
Y.Yummy food that you make: Everything!!! I'm effing awesome in the kitchen!
Z.Zoo animal: Sea life in HUGE aquariums