Egg Salad.

Soooooo.... I'm about 26 weeks along in my Prego-hood. Almost 7 months. WOW. My appetite has picked up. >_< I hate gaining weight. I really, really do. I know I must eat. But, sometimes I find myself thinking "Gee... couldn't I just survive on my over abundance of body fat?" Over abundance, indeed. What a nice way to put it. My cat seems to be gaining sympathy weight. How nice of her :)

I'm ever so restless. I want to get out there and complete a triathalon, learn to surf, skate with my babies, swim, laugh, damn it.... even get a suntan!!!! I miss the beach. I miss the lakes. I miss being goofy in the parks. I miss hiking in the mountains. I miss the pool. I miss museums. I miss road trips. I miss adventures. I really do love the outdoors. I really do love being out of the house. Not that you can tell that now. Jesus fucking christ.... What has happened to me?!!!!??!??!?!?! I want to go to summer fairs and farmers markets with my family. I want to go out with my friends and not worry if I'm the biggest lard ass in the room or what I'm going to do if I have a panic attack. I want to say "Panic attack? Schmanic attack."


So.... In an attempt to regain myself I've started therapy. There's this place down the street that offers low cost counseling. So far I've only gone to one session. I go every week. I'm looking forward to each session. I'm excited to begin my transformation back to ME! The therapist seems nice and really willing to help. Yay. I know it's not going to all happen overnight but still, I'm glad I'm taking this step. It's a very important step indeed. Which brings me to my next point. Do I breastfeed or go back on my anxiety meds? Ugh... I don't know. I've been thinking about it a whole lot. While I'm anti-meds.... I've experienced and seen what good meds can do. I've also seen quite the reverse. Ideally I would like to not be on meds and lead a pretty normal life. But, is that possible? Ive suffered with serious depression since my early teens. I've always had body image issues. And now Im suffering severe anxiety. I think I smell a chemical imbalance or two. lol. Not to mention the fact that mental illness and addiction run rampant on both sides of my family. So, if indeed genes play a role in this.... I'm screwed. >_< hah. But, there's hope. I've been reading that with a combination of therapy and medication I could be me!!!! But happy and free! How awesome would that be? But... I want to breastfeed. REALLY, REALLY badly. So, I guess the only thing I can really do right now is wait, thinking, research, evaluate my findings and go from there.

Az's birthday is this Saturday. We're having a party at my mom's. Im excited but apprehensive. I get to see my family and friends and watch Az have a blast. Why am I apprehensive? Because last year I had a panic attack that sent me to the emergency room.(even though I had taken my meds) This years party will be no less stressful. M and his family will be there and they(his family) will be meeting D for the first time. D is an amazing father figure to Az but M is an over grown child neanderthal idiot. I'm making the cake. And we all know how I turn to a perfectionist when it comes to most of my cooking/baking. Especially if others will be partaking in said food. Ugh. Everyone says they're sure it'll be yummy. But what if it looks like crud?! I'm making a marbled sheet cake with chocolate fudge frost and then im going to decorate it with cars and stuff. All those people... all the mess.... ay yi yi!!! Breathe. Seriously, fucking breathe!

D seems to less attracted to me lately. Who could blame him, I guess. My tummy is getting bigger and probably the rest of me, too. Not to mention that fact that my moods are about as stable as the San Andreas fault line :) Just call me Moody McBitchypants. The littlest things are getting on my nerves. And then I just mull over them and yea.... its not pretty. So, can really blame him for not going after my tail much anymore. Truth be told... it makes me sad and hurt. I think I'm revolting but he's always told me and made me feel otherwise. Not lately.

To try and combat my foul moods and thoughts I've picked up sewing. So far I've completed: 2 purses, a pillow, 2 pillow cases, a pin cushion, and fixed a pair of my pants. Right now, I'm working on a purse of a different design. I'm just waiting on $ for materials. What I really want to start working on is clothes! Something wearable. Also... I want to pick up knitting. The little one is almost here and I have nothing crafty to show for it. I tried knitting a couple months back and I encountered some minor difficulties (I sucked hardcore) But, then again, I know that ecpect too much from myself. I expect myself to be able to master what I decide to try. And if I don't then I get pissed and give up. I'm going to give knitting another try and then another and another and another until I freakin' get that shit down!!!! Oh and I also want to pick up embroidering as well. That way I can adorn my beautifully sewn items. Nifty. I would love to join a knitting/sewing/embroidering, crafty group ran locally. I think it would be good for my mental health and the crafting as well. I've looked up a couple but haven't had much luck with finding something local....

Anywho.... the trash is calling to me... Its overflowing. Ewww. Ohhh... and Im going to try and rescue this skirt and trun it into a flowy, comfy top. Wish me luck!