Watch out world!

I'm now mobile!  :) Hopefully that'll make blogging easier.  At the moment, I'm typing this out while on the treadmill.  Nifty. 

Life's under construction right now, in a big way! More on that at a later date. I've been busy with crafting away my stress. Here's a peek...

Words

I thought I'd share some poems I wrote for a poetry in my English Lit. class :) This was by far the most enjoyable assignment!


Poem Project

CINQUAIN

Ocean
Weightless, joyful
Splashing, twisting, floating
Cold waves embrace me
Water


DIAMANTE

Love
Passionate, rapturous
Kissing, entwining, beaming
Exchanging breath and heat
Leaving, screaming, crying
Cruel, empty
Hate


WINGSPARK

I dreamed
I was a weeping willow
By a clear stream
Shielding entwined lovers
Gingerly


LETTER POEM

Moments forever shared
Arguments float aimlessly
Remember to hold fast
Reflecting on joyful experiences
It’s almost too hard to stay put
Everything matters
Dancing close


CLERIHEW

Bettie Page
A bewitching beauty who was once all the rage
She’d toss her glossy, raven hair
And fix the gentlemen with an evocative stare.


HAIKU

Looming, empty bed
Loneliness and pain entwine
The ache will subside


TANKA

Sorrowful love songs
Haunting melodies quiver
Speaking to my heart
My soul swells with memories
The voice croons only for me

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Whenever my life is topsy turvy, I seek to change some physical aspect of myself. I suppose its a way for me to exercise control when my life isn't exactly falling into line. Sooooo... instead of dyeing my hair as I REALLY wanted to, I chopped it off. I cut about 3 inches off. My hair feels much healthier and I feel lighter :) Who knows, maybe I'll end up dyeing it later.

Shrinkage

Just wanted to throw out a quick update on my weight loss and health. I'm down almost 40 pound and 4 dress sizes. I threw away a bunch of clothes that were too big for me. My stamina has gone through the roof. I'm actually able to run now! The most I've ran is 20 minutes. I used to be able to run for only a couple minutes a time. I've cut pretty much all refined sugars out of my diet. I've drastically cut down on cheese. I still have a long way to go but at least I'm taking steps to get there :)

This particular outfit consists of items that I couldn't wear without sucking it all in. Even then I bulged out every which way. I haven't worn the skirt in years!! I can now where them comfortably and look damn good doing it ;)

Stuck in my head.

That's where I've been as of late. I do have a post planned for WIP Wednesday. I'll work on it as soon as I pry myself from my obsessive, over analyzing, pessimistic mind. Looks like I'll be needing to give myself another swift kick in ass to assure that I don't retreat to full blown hermit status. I've fallen off the wagon with my positive thinking, meditation, deep breathing, journaling and phobia/anxiety exposure work. Blah.

WIP Wednesday

It's Wednesday and it's all about Works in Progress :) I'm hoping to make this a weekly feature. These weekly posts will not only cover my crafty endeavors, they'll also cover my schooling, exercising/health and updates on my ongoing journey to become a more grounded and happy person. So, let's get the show on the road! I have a couple of knitting projects going on. They're both smaller projects for special people in my life :) First up is the "Summer Breeze" strappy top for Adeline. I'm knitting it in Nashua Ivy. It's dreamy, drapey alpaca and sparkle yarn. I modified the amount of stitches I cast on to fit Adeline's small frame. I previously knit one for Azalea. She loves it!!! I'm planning to finish off Adeline's top with some cutesy popscicle buttons I got from the ever fantastic and whimsically wonderful Nim of Rude and Reckless.

As you can see I don't have much done. However, it is quick knit and a great take-a-long project. Next up in the knitting category is cowl I'm knitting for the aforementioned Nim. This girl is amazing, she gives me the warm and fuzzies everytime I think about her. We've only met once but I consider her a dear friend! She is thoughtful, kind, funny, witty, intelligent, super crafty and has impeccable taste in desserts. So, to show her my appreciation I'm knitting her the "Honey Cowl" in some handspun pure silk yarn called "Seafoam" that I spun a few weeks ago. I'm knitting the shorter version as I only have about 240 yards. The yarn is a lovely slightly thick and thin single ply of incredible softness. As I was knitting it, I realized that the stitch pattern resembled the scales of a mermaid tail. Nim and I are both avid fantasy enthusiasts. So, "Mermaid Scales" it is :)

That's it for knitting! On to SPINNING! I also have two projects going on. I picked up my drop spindle after months of not using it. I started to feel the itch for my trusty ol' drop spindle. I love how portable drop spindles are and the fact that they are so simple to use. Both of the fibers I'm spinning are from Storied Yarns. Jess, the owner, cleverly creates her yarns and fibers after characters it books and movies. I am an avid book reader. Needless to say, this wasn't my first nor last purchase from Jess. Up first is "The Other Mother" a lovely Coraline inspired batt of BFL, Merino, sari silk, Firestar and other wools. It is incredibly lofty and soft with just the right amount of texture. It has been a joy to spin.

Next up is "Halloween Town" a squishable Nightmare Before Christmas inspired BFL roving. I LOVE the veritable kaleidoscopic of colors in this roving. The colors are saturated but I haven't encountered any felted bits that can sometimes happen with super saturated fibers. The picture definitely doesn't do the colors justice. Unfortunately, the battery for my camera was dead. I'll try to update with a better picture. I am really proud of the spinning for this yarn. I've mostly been spinning textured yarns as of late. However, the yarn I'm producing is crazily even and thin. I'm planning to navajo ply it to preserve the pretty color transitions.

I should mention that both of these fibers were custom made for me because I bought the "Large Surprise Package full of Yarn OR Fibery Goodness" listing in her store. I got a perfectly tailored box of goodies. Last up for my crafty WIPs is a little bit of embroidery I've been working on intermittently. It's nothing special, just a sampler on a small throw pillow cover. The pattern and pillow cover are both from Sublime Stitching.

My life is my most time intensive and serious WIP. I've dedicated myself to getting healthier physically and mentally. As of late my life has been like a roller coaster. As a result my depression, anxiety and agoraphobia flared up. I also found out that I'm prediabetic and have prehypertension. Yikes!!! That is some scary stuff. My first instinct was to just curl and basically withdraw into my shell. But, I managed to pull the pieces of myself together. I've implemented daily exercise, meditation, deep breathing, journaling, positive affirmations and healthy eating. I feel so much better!!! I am slowly but surely getting my life back in order. I am able to leave the house without having a total melt down. I feel like a human again. My endurance has increased immensely and I've lost over 20 pounds. I'm still a WIP but I'm one step closer to actualizing the woman I want to be :)

My oldest and I :) I've also stretched my septum and lip holes ;) Only bit. But, a little is better than nothing. My septum is up to 10 gauge and my lip holes are 14 gauge(they weren't really a stretch at all) I'm not sure how much larger I'll go. Stretching is addictive! I'd like to get my septum to at least a 6 gauge and my upper lip piercings to at least an 8 gauge.

I'm really close to graduating. That has brought on some serious contemplation about my future. What do I want to DO?! I THINK (lol) I've narrowed it down to either a museum curator or librarian for a large academic/research library. Well, I think this post substantive enough! I've got to get the kiddos off to bed :)

So, I'm crazy.

I finally broke down and went to the doctor's. I listed my ailments. He ordered some tests. Prescribed Zoloft. Referred me to get some psych therapy. Of course, the whole time I was having an utter mental melt down. I have a phobia of all things medical. I have had the Zoloft for a few days but have yet to take it. The list of possible side effects is more than daunting. I went to the local mental health clinic for an intake appointment. I'm poor. So, the facility is paid for by the county I live in. Almost everyone in there looked like they were only firing on one cylinder. I seemed to be the only coherent person there. Once I was seen by an intake clinician, I was a billion questions. He, of course, assumed based on my appearance that I was some illiterate, drug and alcohol swilling broad. Guess one can't have tattoos, green hair, piercings and stretched ears while maintaining an above average level of intelligence. Good to know. Anyways, he diagnosed me with panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression. Yikes. I have a long road ahead of me. I'm scared and most of the time I feel like I'm barely functioning. Everything overwhelms me. But, at least I took the first steps to getting help and getting better. I can't wait until the day I can go grocery shopping, enter a mall or walk into a movie theater without imploding.

Depression.

Depression is the worst. Especially coupled with crippling anxiety. I deal with suffocating depression constantly. My moods are up and down. Most mornings I don't even want to get out of bed. Most days I just want curl up in my blankets, watch netflix and deal with no one and nothing. Being in Barstow pretty much gurantees a huge lapse in this sucking black hole of melancholy, self doubt and anxiety. This place is bad for me. It turns me into this emotional wreck. I can't cope here. When I'm back home surrounded by family, friends, smog and civilization I'm more myself. I laugh, I joke, I smile, I'm able to leave the house without having a panic attack. I'm human. My emotional and mental battles are all compounded by the lonliness and the everyday stresses. The smallest things can elicit tears and an emotional explosion. I feel like a shell.

My car is in the shop right now. I was expecting to receive some money last week so that I could fix it. I just found out that money wont be coming until the end of the month. I start school today. I have no money to buy books. My marriage is a failure. My self esteem is shot. I need to makea trip the grocery store. Yet, I can't because I am car-less. I got told off by a woman in my son's school office because I told her he wouldn't be able to make it to school today because we are having car issues. She informed me that, that is NOT a valid excuse and that I should have put him on a bus. I'm not throwing my kid onto a bus when he's never taken one before. I am not changing his routine for one day. What if he forgets to get on the bus on the ride back? What then? I already felt bad enough calling in his absence without her making me feel like utter crap. My neighbors are horrible, loud, obnoxious trash. I'm taking care of 3 kids 24/7 while going to school. It is driving me nuts. There's always a mess. There's always someone whining and crying. There is always someone needing something. I'm exhausted. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I see nothing attractive, no redeeming qualities. I just want to disappear. I just want to sleep.

But, I can't. I have to keep going for the kids. I'm falling apart but I have to push forward. I want to be loved, not lied to and cheated on. I want to be taken care of. I want some peace and happiness. I want to look like this all the time: Smiling, happy, full of life. That is me. Not this colorless shell I am when I'm here.