Cheated

I should be doing research for my paper, doing homework, picking up, playing with the kids, reading, or something besides crying. But, nonetheless, here I am. Crying. Feeling rather shitty.

This pregnancy I'll be having a c-section just as I did with the other 2. The first one was not planned. For the 2nd I could have opted for a VBAC. But, I didn't. I was scared of a real live birth after the ordeal I went through with the first. But, with this pregnancy I have no choice. I will HAVE TO have surgery. I am not so much as worried about the c-section this time as much as I am saddened that I will never be able to give birth. I have never birthed my children. They were TAKEN out of me while I lay there. My body will never do what it was meant to do. I am having my tubes tied with this pregnancy because it wouldn't be safe for me to have anymore children/c-sections. My chance for a real natural birth is gone. My chance for more kids will be gone. I don't know why this is so upsetting. But, it is. I feel cheated. I cheated myself. It's almost as if I lost out on some integral part of being a woman, of being a mother. I almost feel less of a mother and a woman. I keep thinking, I didn't birth my children. I never will be able to. I am incredibly upset. I wasn't upset last time. D's sister just had her baby a few days ago, naturally. This is her 2nd child. She gave birth in about 5 minutes. I'm sure she is up and about. And, I'm happy that she had a healthy baby girl. But, that happiness is tinged with jealousy. I hate it. I hate that I am jealous of her birth experience. God, I am soooooo fucking upset about this. It's ridiculous and useless to sit here crying. I can't change anything. I have to have another c-section. There isn't any other choice. SO, why am I so upset? Why do I feel like I'm missing out on some integral part of being mother? Why do I feel at so much of a loss?

Hija de mi corazon.

So, for sure we're having a little bundle of girly love :) On the latest ultrasound the technician was able to see her "lady bits". lol Oh, and August 6th.... she is scheduled to be brought forth from my abdomen at around 9 am. Wish me and her luck. I have a packet of papers concerning the c-section that I should probably read... Ugh. Scray stuff, I tell ya. The doc performing the SX rattled out a list of "This could happen... there's a x% chance of this happenening, if this or this happend you need a hysterectomy, blodd transfusion this, infection that...." By the end of it I was like... "Wait... what I am having done again?" >_< Ay Yi Yi! Makes me almost want to consider a vaginal birth, almost. I have my reasons for choosing to have another c-section. Those of which I choose to keep to myself. I'm freakin' inside about the birth. So many what-if's. But, this darling must be birthed one way or another. Besides its getting awfully crowded in there. I don't know how much more my organs can take of being her own personal punching bags. Very much looking forward to holding my little girl.Wonder what she'll look like. Will she have Danny's beautiful blues and shiny blonde hair? Will she have my freckles and little nose? Will she be a pale, creamy skinned bundle or a smooth, olive complected baby? Only time will tell. My little Azalea Elizebeth Macklin, I can;t wait to meet you. You have any amazing family waiting for you :) An awesome big brother, a doting father, an eccentric but loving grandma, another gramma who's kinda spacey but always means well and not mention everyone else!!!!