Cheated

I should be doing research for my paper, doing homework, picking up, playing with the kids, reading, or something besides crying. But, nonetheless, here I am. Crying. Feeling rather shitty.

This pregnancy I'll be having a c-section just as I did with the other 2. The first one was not planned. For the 2nd I could have opted for a VBAC. But, I didn't. I was scared of a real live birth after the ordeal I went through with the first. But, with this pregnancy I have no choice. I will HAVE TO have surgery. I am not so much as worried about the c-section this time as much as I am saddened that I will never be able to give birth. I have never birthed my children. They were TAKEN out of me while I lay there. My body will never do what it was meant to do. I am having my tubes tied with this pregnancy because it wouldn't be safe for me to have anymore children/c-sections. My chance for a real natural birth is gone. My chance for more kids will be gone. I don't know why this is so upsetting. But, it is. I feel cheated. I cheated myself. It's almost as if I lost out on some integral part of being a woman, of being a mother. I almost feel less of a mother and a woman. I keep thinking, I didn't birth my children. I never will be able to. I am incredibly upset. I wasn't upset last time. D's sister just had her baby a few days ago, naturally. This is her 2nd child. She gave birth in about 5 minutes. I'm sure she is up and about. And, I'm happy that she had a healthy baby girl. But, that happiness is tinged with jealousy. I hate it. I hate that I am jealous of her birth experience. God, I am soooooo fucking upset about this. It's ridiculous and useless to sit here crying. I can't change anything. I have to have another c-section. There isn't any other choice. SO, why am I so upset? Why do I feel like I'm missing out on some integral part of being mother? Why do I feel at so much of a loss?