Depression.

Depression is the worst. Especially coupled with crippling anxiety. I deal with suffocating depression constantly. My moods are up and down. Most mornings I don't even want to get out of bed. Most days I just want curl up in my blankets, watch netflix and deal with no one and nothing. Being in Barstow pretty much gurantees a huge lapse in this sucking black hole of melancholy, self doubt and anxiety. This place is bad for me. It turns me into this emotional wreck. I can't cope here. When I'm back home surrounded by family, friends, smog and civilization I'm more myself. I laugh, I joke, I smile, I'm able to leave the house without having a panic attack. I'm human. My emotional and mental battles are all compounded by the lonliness and the everyday stresses. The smallest things can elicit tears and an emotional explosion. I feel like a shell.

My car is in the shop right now. I was expecting to receive some money last week so that I could fix it. I just found out that money wont be coming until the end of the month. I start school today. I have no money to buy books. My marriage is a failure. My self esteem is shot. I need to makea trip the grocery store. Yet, I can't because I am car-less. I got told off by a woman in my son's school office because I told her he wouldn't be able to make it to school today because we are having car issues. She informed me that, that is NOT a valid excuse and that I should have put him on a bus. I'm not throwing my kid onto a bus when he's never taken one before. I am not changing his routine for one day. What if he forgets to get on the bus on the ride back? What then? I already felt bad enough calling in his absence without her making me feel like utter crap. My neighbors are horrible, loud, obnoxious trash. I'm taking care of 3 kids 24/7 while going to school. It is driving me nuts. There's always a mess. There's always someone whining and crying. There is always someone needing something. I'm exhausted. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I see nothing attractive, no redeeming qualities. I just want to disappear. I just want to sleep.

But, I can't. I have to keep going for the kids. I'm falling apart but I have to push forward. I want to be loved, not lied to and cheated on. I want to be taken care of. I want some peace and happiness. I want to look like this all the time: Smiling, happy, full of life. That is me. Not this colorless shell I am when I'm here.