So, I'm crazy.

I finally broke down and went to the doctor's. I listed my ailments. He ordered some tests. Prescribed Zoloft. Referred me to get some psych therapy. Of course, the whole time I was having an utter mental melt down. I have a phobia of all things medical. I have had the Zoloft for a few days but have yet to take it. The list of possible side effects is more than daunting. I went to the local mental health clinic for an intake appointment. I'm poor. So, the facility is paid for by the county I live in. Almost everyone in there looked like they were only firing on one cylinder. I seemed to be the only coherent person there. Once I was seen by an intake clinician, I was a billion questions. He, of course, assumed based on my appearance that I was some illiterate, drug and alcohol swilling broad. Guess one can't have tattoos, green hair, piercings and stretched ears while maintaining an above average level of intelligence. Good to know. Anyways, he diagnosed me with panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression. Yikes. I have a long road ahead of me. I'm scared and most of the time I feel like I'm barely functioning. Everything overwhelms me. But, at least I took the first steps to getting help and getting better. I can't wait until the day I can go grocery shopping, enter a mall or walk into a movie theater without imploding.

Depression.

Depression is the worst. Especially coupled with crippling anxiety. I deal with suffocating depression constantly. My moods are up and down. Most mornings I don't even want to get out of bed. Most days I just want curl up in my blankets, watch netflix and deal with no one and nothing. Being in Barstow pretty much gurantees a huge lapse in this sucking black hole of melancholy, self doubt and anxiety. This place is bad for me. It turns me into this emotional wreck. I can't cope here. When I'm back home surrounded by family, friends, smog and civilization I'm more myself. I laugh, I joke, I smile, I'm able to leave the house without having a panic attack. I'm human. My emotional and mental battles are all compounded by the lonliness and the everyday stresses. The smallest things can elicit tears and an emotional explosion. I feel like a shell.

My car is in the shop right now. I was expecting to receive some money last week so that I could fix it. I just found out that money wont be coming until the end of the month. I start school today. I have no money to buy books. My marriage is a failure. My self esteem is shot. I need to makea trip the grocery store. Yet, I can't because I am car-less. I got told off by a woman in my son's school office because I told her he wouldn't be able to make it to school today because we are having car issues. She informed me that, that is NOT a valid excuse and that I should have put him on a bus. I'm not throwing my kid onto a bus when he's never taken one before. I am not changing his routine for one day. What if he forgets to get on the bus on the ride back? What then? I already felt bad enough calling in his absence without her making me feel like utter crap. My neighbors are horrible, loud, obnoxious trash. I'm taking care of 3 kids 24/7 while going to school. It is driving me nuts. There's always a mess. There's always someone whining and crying. There is always someone needing something. I'm exhausted. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I see nothing attractive, no redeeming qualities. I just want to disappear. I just want to sleep.

But, I can't. I have to keep going for the kids. I'm falling apart but I have to push forward. I want to be loved, not lied to and cheated on. I want to be taken care of. I want some peace and happiness. I want to look like this all the time: Smiling, happy, full of life. That is me. Not this colorless shell I am when I'm here.