So, I'm crazy.

I finally broke down and went to the doctor's. I listed my ailments. He ordered some tests. Prescribed Zoloft. Referred me to get some psych therapy. Of course, the whole time I was having an utter mental melt down. I have a phobia of all things medical. I have had the Zoloft for a few days but have yet to take it. The list of possible side effects is more than daunting. I went to the local mental health clinic for an intake appointment. I'm poor. So, the facility is paid for by the county I live in. Almost everyone in there looked like they were only firing on one cylinder. I seemed to be the only coherent person there. Once I was seen by an intake clinician, I was a billion questions. He, of course, assumed based on my appearance that I was some illiterate, drug and alcohol swilling broad. Guess one can't have tattoos, green hair, piercings and stretched ears while maintaining an above average level of intelligence. Good to know. Anyways, he diagnosed me with panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression. Yikes. I have a long road ahead of me. I'm scared and most of the time I feel like I'm barely functioning. Everything overwhelms me. But, at least I took the first steps to getting help and getting better. I can't wait until the day I can go grocery shopping, enter a mall or walk into a movie theater without imploding.

Grrr!!! Rant against Barstow.

Ok, bottom line, I HATE this place. I HATE Barstow. This place has NOTHING going for it. The people here are generally trashy and ignorant. They constantly gawk at me and my husband. It is completely isolated here. It is hot as hell. There is no craft or yarn store. No bookstore. No pagan/wiccan community. No crafting community. I have literally "0" friends out here. All my friends and family are back in Pasadena and the Valley. It is thoroughly depressing. And it is really starting to get to me. My depression and frustration have been out in full force.

I've been trying to get some skating in everyday. I wanted to do something fun and healthy for myself. I want to get in shape and the treadmill is getting boring. I also want to eventually join a derby league. There is no suitable area to practice skating. The nearest rink in 45 minutes away. The nearest league practice area is over an hour away. This morning as I was going for a skate I got stuck, for the seemingly 1000th time, on one of the huge gaps in the cement and went down. I just sat there for a minute, willing the tears to not come. I wasn't crying because falling hurt but because the frustration of being stuck in this place started spilling out. Skating is just another casualty of living here.

I am so defensive, frustrated, angry and generally depressed lately. I try to keep a smile pasted on for the kids but I always feel those emotions bubbling near the surface just waiting to burst through at any moment. This place is killing me emotionally and mentally.

Button, button, who's got the button?

I finally figure out how to put a scrolling button thinga-ma-jig on my blog. Well, actually, the dh did. He is much more computer and html savvy that I am. Speaking of buttons, I really want to make myself a button. But, I have no idea how to make it or what it should look like. I really want a whole new layout for the blog, too.

Anyways, I am feeling better this week. I started eating healthier and exercising everyday. Let me tell you, it is doing me a world of better! I also registers for the fall semester this morning. Me and the dh are taking 2 classes together, Bio 11 and Poli Sci 1. Fun, fun. I am also taking Math 50 (elementary algebra. LMAO I SUCK at math!!) and Cultural Anthropology. I am going to be taking a break from swapping starting in August. I am going to have to out all my attention on the kids and school.

I also wanted to thank all of you for sharing your kinds words,thoughts and experiences in the last post. It meant A LOT to me. Thank you! It is nice to know that there are people out there that care and have been where I am and have survived :) You ladies do indeed rock!

My car is in the shop for the second time within a week. This time it is because it didn't pass smog. Ugh. I had to pass up an awesome spinning wheel so that we'd have the $ to pay for my lovely P.O.S. But, I really do love my car. She is an older model Volvo station wagon and she is awesome! Her name is Turbo Betty. I am in love with Volvos!! My first car was a super old rust-orange Volvo named Vera :)

My partner received for the punk baby swap. I'll be posting pictures of the awesome stuff I made her.

I'll also be running the giveaway later today. So, keep a look out!!

Life getting in the way again....

Hello all. I am so sorry that I've been behind on posting the giveaway. I've been hit with a bunch of stuff in the past couple weeks. To be quite honest, things between me and my dh have been pretty tense and not getting better. He is rarely home, which puts an incredible amount of stress on me. I am basically raising three kids on my own. I have no energy. I am always lonely and upset. I have no one to talk to. All of my family and friends are hours away. I need some adult interaction. He just doesn't get it. There is so much more to the situation that I just don't want to get into.

Azriel has been having tummy aches off and on for the last 2 weeks. I think they're brought on by anxiety. And I am totally blaming myself for it. I try so hard to be a good mom but I know I'm falling short. My patience has worn thin.

My car is in the shop with a most likely busted radiator. So, I am stuck in the middle of nowhere, where I know no one, with 3 kids and no car. Great. I have no idea how much it'll cost to fix it. It'll most likely clean out our savings.

I am having a major craft block. I have 2 swaps due by the end of the week. I am cringing. I am going to have to be late.

I want to be appreciated and cared for. I want to feel alive again.

I feel stuck and frustrated. I am so mad at him. I am so frustrated with him.

Smile, dammit!

My D goes back to work today and I probably wont see him for another week ::sigh:: Times are tough right now. I constantly have to remind myself of my blessing so I don't decide to just stay in bed for the rest of the day. Some days are really rough and my depression and anxiety hit me like a pile of bricks. I feel incapable of the smallest, simplest task. I have to tell myself "This is only temporary. You are working towards a better future for your family. Smile, dammit!" "Portland, Portland, Portland" Why can't I be in Portland already? Me and Mr. Zombie Queen have decided to move to Portland. So, he has taken on more hours so that we replenish our savings. We are hoping to move within 3-6 months. I can't wait! I KNOW life will be so different. I KNOW there will be more opportunities out there for us. I know it... SO until then I trudge forward with unflagging determination because I want this so bad. I want a better life for my family.

Know what I need? A tattoo. Cindy you should come for a visit and we should go get tattooed! Then we can knit and shoot the shit while the kids play, catch a flick at the drive in, play some mini golf, catch a concert... lol Why do you live so dang far?!!!

I leave you all with some old pictures! :)








Can you believe he is going to be 6 in a week and a half?! I can't!!!

My achey, achey hands....

So, I've been knitting the sh*t outta something for my Beltane swap and as of yesterday my hands are soooooooooooooo achey.But, I can't stop now. I'm almost done!!! I also wanted to knit up some stuff some my frugal swap but we'll see how my hands are doing after I finish the _____. I hope this doesn't become something permanent or worsen. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't knit!

Injecting some creativity...

I try to do something creative everyday, whether it be trying a new recipe, finding a way to Mmake herbs a part of my everyday life, knit, embroider, play with clay.... you get the picture. But, I think that I will actually challenge myself to do something "crafty" each day. I think it'll be great for my creativity and sanity!
Today:
2 things for my Frugal Swap
Made some Sage Tooth Powder(a natural alternative to toothpaste)
Worked on my large item for the Beltane Swap
Cooked up a new recipe-Chili lime tofu (YUM!)

Here are some pictures of my creative endeavors over the past week or two.

Shrimp, cabbage, daikon radish eggs rolls



Needle Roll for Cindy(one of my pen pals)


Homemade vanilla custard with freshly whipped cream and organic wild blueberries


Polymer clay veggies before I glazed and made them into jewelry for my Farmer's
Market Swap



Meringue cookies made with the leftover egg whites from the custard


My pretty chicks :)


Sprouting Lavender!


Marjoram


On the left is a Valerian tincture and on the right is some calendula and comfrey being infused in olive oil.


Black bean soup. Soooooooooooooooo good!! We topped ours off with some sour cream, a sprinkling of jack cheese and some perfectly ripe avocado!



Dark and milk chocolate llama I spun up


My gorgeous dh, just because I <3 looking at him! lol


My handsome boy! He was being silly with a ponytail holder. lol


Pretty lil' Adeline :) I'm so glad she has figured out how to comfort herself.


lol She's totally posing here. She loves the camera


lol.. Don't ask...

My hero's journey...

In my Art History class we are studying Roman art and discussing the Odyssey. One of our assignments this week was to write a 2 page paper describing a hero's journey that we have taken. After writing this I felt inspired. It did me some good to look back at what I have overcome and how far I have come. It inspired a sense of accomplishment and thankfulness. Here is what I wrote:

I believe that my true hero’s journey began when I became pregnant at the age of 17. I was attending community college and working part time. I was still very much a selfish child only after one’s own enjoyment. When I found out I was pregnant my life changed immediately. The pregnancy and subsequent child would either make me or break me. I had been through some rough times before and knew I could persevere and do what was best for this little life inside of me. I was still living with my parents at the time. Telling my mom was one of the hardest things I had to do. I told her and she took it relatively well. It was decided that the father would move in with me. We tried our best to make things work and come together as a family. I continued to work and go to school even though I was exhausted and achy. I was determined to provide the best that I could for my child. I didn’t want to become another statistic for teenage pregnancy. In order to rise above that, I had to give up my child like ways of self gratification and take up the mantle of motherhood. This process wasn’t something that I was completely conscious of. It was as if there was never another option besides becoming a competent mother. I gave up on a lot of people that I had foolishly thought of as friends. I discarded destructive behaviors.
The pregnancy went along without as much as a hitch. The birth was a completely different story. I was to be induced and was in labor for about two days. I have never experienced a pain so total and agonizing as contractions. I tried to just ride the waves of pain without the aid of pain medication. But, in the end I couldn’t take it. On the second day something happened to pinch the baby’s umbilical cord. I was rushed into surgery for an emergency c-section. He came out blue and not breathing. At the time I didn’t know what was going on. All I knew was that there was some sort of trouble and I hadn’t heard my baby cry. They managed to get him breathing. He was rushed into the neonatal intensive care unit where he was hooked up to machines to help him breathe and basically take care of every bodily function. I was devastated. I thought I was going to lose my little man. Through the whole ordeal I kept the faith that he would triumph over these obstacles, that I would be taking my little boy home soon. I had no doubt that he would be a survivor and fighter just like his mom. He was in NICU for a total of 2 weeks. He made a complete turnaround. It was one of the most difficult things to see my son hooked up to all those machines and the subsequent bruising left by all the needles.
Taking him home was one of the most joyous occasions of my life. My son and I had recovered from such a traumatic experience. We had overcome all the obstacles and had come out on top. There were still worries about his development because of the oxygen that was deprived from his brain. I kept waiting for developmental delay, for some sign of a problem. I was hyper vigilant in regards to every babble, every movement, every gesture that he made. At this time I was still working and the father and I had moved into an apartment of our own. Things were not working out in the relationship department. He was much older than I was but he acted like a child. Granted, I still had a lot of growing up to do, too. Our relationship began to crumble. But, I was determined to try to make it work. I wanted a complete family unit for our son. I never had a functioning father figure in my life and I experienced how devastating that could be. I didn’t want my son to go through what I had. I sacrificed my happiness and sanity chasing this ideal of a perfect family.
When things finally came to a head, I was forced to realize that I could never be a good mother if I wasn’t happy. Just because there is a mother and father in the picture does not make an ideal and perfect environment for a child to thrive in. I left his father and moved back in with an uncle of mine. Throughout this whole ordeal my son blossomed into a happy, well adjusted and intelligent child. We eventually were able to stop going to his developmental checkups. This part of my hero’s journey helped start the transformation into the person I am today. It also helped me realize that some of my ideals were less than perfect. In the end, I was able to see what I really wanted out of life for me and son. I learned self restraint, faith, strength, and kindness. I was rewarded with a beautiful son that was followed by two more wonderful girls. I found a husband who compliments my strengths and fortifies my weaknesses.

I would liken myself to Odysseus. I am like Odysseus because I am strong willed, bound and determined to persevere over all obstacles and do what it right and good. He was out of his element when time and time again he was thrown for a loop. Yet and still he kept his mind and heart pointed towards home. I, too, was out of my element in regards to being a teenage mom. But, I kept focused on my goals. Whenever something of a challenge presented itself to me I vaulted past it. I did not give into the temptations that would prove to be easier. I knew what I wanted for my son and I and nothing would stop me. Odysseus was challenged and tempted time and time again to stray from his chosen path. He stayed true and was rewarded with a life with his loyal wife and son.

When I think of how I would depict myself in regards to my hero’s journey, Friday Kahlo and her many expressive paintings come to mind. For me, she captures the struggles, joys, pains of being so many things to so many people. She is one of my favorite artists. With her style and my hero’s journey in mind I depict myself as sort of mother goddess figure with earth as my skin, and stars as my eyes. I would have pieces of my life and journey connected to me with vines. Being a mother has so many different facets but ultimately you are the center of your family’s universe. I would want to show the nurturing side that I developed by showing myself as an earth mother figure.

My addiction....

So, I have an addiction. It is putting so much stress on me that i'm losing what little sleep I get. It may not br drugs or alcohol (been there, done that) but it's still a problem. I'm spending money we don't have money that shouldn't be spent. When I see a book or craft supply I want I get it. I try to hold back but I rationalize it and ultimately, buy it. Since moving to the desert, my already poor spending and saving habits have gotten worse. I think it is the isolation and lonliness taking it's toll on me. I get depressed and down. So, to cheer myself up
I buy some crafting supply or book to stave off the depression. I feel pathetic admitting to it. But, I really need to get it under control if we want to go ahead with our plan to move this summer. I've battled with more self destructive addictions in the past and prevailed. I need to reign myself in. I need to be frugal. I need to think of the future and not just chase instant gratification. No more over spending! No more frivolity.

Dreaded lace...

I'm trying my hand at lace work for the first time and..... I suck. :( I'm attempting to knit this shawl for cousin as a wedding present. Ugh. I've had to start over more times than I can count. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I'm so tempted to say "F*ck it" but now I feel even more drawn to finish it because it is such a challenge. I keep ending up with one stitch too many. -sigh- Maybe if I had a quiet moment to concentrate... HAHAHAHA but, that will never happen.

In other news, I received my partner for the Beltane swap and shipping out my packages to my Herbalism swap partners. OH, and I'm almost done with my Farmer's Market package. Hopefully, I'll be sending on time.

All of my herbs, expect for Rosemary and Lemon balm, have blossomed!! It is such a beautifully sunny and mild day. I wish I lived near a beach. Well, with any luck, we'll be moving this summer and I'll be able to go to the beach all I want!

Fiber porn

I'm updating from my iPod. Typing is pretty tedious. Today was taken up with a ton of kitchen time. I dyed over 8 oz. of fiber. I'll post pictures later. So, this isn't going to be much of a update. I'm pretty beat.

Top o' the mornin'....

I was hoping to sleep in this morning.... but, it seems Azalea has lost her penchant for sleeping in when her big bro is away. sigh -_- I was up late last night toiling away on my homework, putting some finishing touches on my research and final papers. Now, I'm up eating coconut yogurt. YUM! :)

I'm almost done with my 3rd towel for the TTT5 swap. This is my favorite one so far!^_^ Will post pix later. I need to start working on my book club swap. I know what I'm crafting. I just need to get my arse in gear. NEED a cool looking old tea cup!

This week is a BIG week at Azriel's school. Back to school night, first PTO meeting, and picture day!!! :) Exciting, indeed.

S0, I'm about 30 weeks. A little over 2 months to go. I really excited!

I'm off to feed the doodle monster

Ta-ta

Howard Hughes?

Well, I'm in the middle of HW (no big surprise there) and I got a message from a fellow TTT5 swapper and I must say that I'm touched. I don't really expect that anyone reads my blog. But, the fact that someone did AND sent me a sweet message is mind blowing. Thank you <3

On another note: Did one of my papers for my Child Development class. Go me! I'm still managing to keep the kids fed and clothed, the grades up, and the house is livable. ::High Five::

Az is doing well in Kindergarten. He's adjusting to the long day(me, too). I love seeing him sit in his classroom looking studious and adorable! <3

Azalea is walking machine!! She walks everywhere now. my little chubs is growing so fast! Oh and she started saying "cheese" today!! lol Probably because she constantly sees me stuffing myself with it. It's a sickness, an addiction. CHEESE. I <3 cheese!! So, she's saying "daddy" "doggy"(which pretty much sound the same lol), "thank you", "uh-oh", and now "CHEESE"!

My alien parasite aka fetus... is kicking up a storm. Much more active than the other two were. I'm almost in my third trimester. I feel like a bloated, waddling, baby making machine. Which, is precisely what I am. The other day, Azriel asked me if I was a machine. lol D must have told him I was baby making machine. Wonder what his teacher will say to that when he undoubtedly repeats it.

I just received my 2nd towel for TTT5 swap. The theme is John Hughes (I keep thinking Howard Hughes lol I even googled Howard Hughes on accident.) I seriously haven't a clue what to do!!! I love all his movies but I can't think of anything to embroider. >_<

okokok Must get back to HW. ARGH!!!

Implode-y-ness

So, I'm completely and utterly stressing over my two papers due in my Child development course. I haven't written a paper in god knows how long!!!!! Now I have to write one 5 page observation report and an 8 page research paper. >_< I don't even know where to begin. I'm so scattered. I have to do this. Oh wait, no, I have to do this first. No, no, this needs attending to also.... argh. Sp far I'm doing well in all my classes but how long will that last? I'm already feeling the strain. School compounded with Az starting school, Azalea's development, the ever present money issues, D being home every once in a blue moon, the pregnancy, and the swaps is making for a stressed out me. The papers are causing the most anxiety. They are time consuming. Where do I begin? How do I not sound like a ignorant fool? What the hell am I going to say for 8 pages? When will I find the time to research, brain storm, make rough copies, proof read, and finally write these papers? Where does the rest of my life fit in? I need help. I'm in over my head. I haven't admitted it to anyone. But, I think I did bite off a bit more than I can chew. Somehow, I'll figure it out. I have to. Is it bed time yet?

Stuff and more stuff

Azriel went with his dad today for his biweekly over night stay. D is at work until Tuesday morning. So, that leaves just me and Azalea for a day and night. Azalea is learning to walking. Toddling here to there. It's so adorable!! Today we went for a walk. Azriel and I each held one of Azalea's hands and we helped toddle up and down. She loved it. We all did. Then she helped me push her own stroller. Too dang cute!!! They grow up soooo fast.

I start school on Monday( So does D). Really excited about that. I can't wait. The anticipation will kill me.

This coming week should prove to be busy, but pleasantly so. Monday: Start classes, snack shopping for Vegas, prepare snacks, in the P.M. mom is coming over. Tuesday: Vegas!!! for D's birthday :) Wednesday: Come home, Azalea has her one yr. check up, grocery shopping..... ok well the first few days will be busy. But, I'm sure I'll find a way to keep busy. Between, kids, school, husband, and crafting. lol

I joined 2 swaps!!! I can't believe I did it. But, I did. One is a traveling tea towel swap!!! I've really fallen for embroidery :) And the other is a combo book club/ craft swap. I signed up for the fantasy group. Can't wait to start either.

The bun in the over seems to be coming along nicely :) All tests are fine, the ultrasound good.

My back is killing me!!!! I stupidly did laundry yesterday by myself. Schlepping around 2 kiddies ton of laundry while pregnant is not a good idea. Never again. D usually does it. But, he wouldn't be home in time to do it before Vegas. So, yea... I'm uncomfortable. Today, I take it easy. As easy as Azalea will let me.

Pop tarts, swaps, and birthdays... Oh my!!!

So, at the moment I'm waiting on some pie dough to chill out so that I can start working on some DEEEEELICIOUS "pop tarts". I'm making a couple different filling variations. (1)marmalade and dark chocolate.--For the hubby-- Orange and chocolate. A damn perfect match made in heaven (2) Plain ol' raspberry preserves.--For me-- (3) Strawberry jam --For the kiddies-- I'm using a plain full butter double crust pie dough recipe. I love using full butter pie crusts. There is just a flavor that shortening can not give. I may be missing out on a little tenderness. But, I wont mind too terribly much with all the yummy golden flakiness!!!

I have completed my first Craftster swap! It was sooooo much fun!!! My bookmarks were graciously received. I am awaiting mine :) I want to participate in more. However, I will be starting classes in a few weeks. And, I wonder if it would be prudent to add swaps to the juggle? Perhaps small swaps? We shall see. But, I was thrilled that my first swap was a great success!! Yipee!!! :))))))

August is jam packed with birthdays. Although, this month may be lacking in official holidays... in birthday celebration it is not. In my family alone there are at least 7 birthdays!!!! My hubby, baby girl and best friend cousin included. My lovely daughter will be turning 1 this coming week. We're doing something very, very small. I'm making a cake and were having my mom and brother over for some grilling. Hub's is on the 18th. We're going to Vegas for a night! Fun. fun :) I have been doing some serious embroidering for his gifts. Post pics later. But, have been at a stand still on what I should make my lil' peanut. Hmmm... there is still time!

And and smack dab in the middle of all that birthday madness is school. I'm excited and anxious. I can't wait for classes to begin. But, am also wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into. lol At least classes will be over before I'm due.

Speaking of which... baby #3 is moving and grooving very, very much now. Seems each day the movements become stronger and more pronounced. It doesn't cease to amaze me :)

Must go check on that dough!