Grrr!!! Rant against Barstow.

Ok, bottom line, I HATE this place. I HATE Barstow. This place has NOTHING going for it. The people here are generally trashy and ignorant. They constantly gawk at me and my husband. It is completely isolated here. It is hot as hell. There is no craft or yarn store. No bookstore. No pagan/wiccan community. No crafting community. I have literally "0" friends out here. All my friends and family are back in Pasadena and the Valley. It is thoroughly depressing. And it is really starting to get to me. My depression and frustration have been out in full force.

I've been trying to get some skating in everyday. I wanted to do something fun and healthy for myself. I want to get in shape and the treadmill is getting boring. I also want to eventually join a derby league. There is no suitable area to practice skating. The nearest rink in 45 minutes away. The nearest league practice area is over an hour away. This morning as I was going for a skate I got stuck, for the seemingly 1000th time, on one of the huge gaps in the cement and went down. I just sat there for a minute, willing the tears to not come. I wasn't crying because falling hurt but because the frustration of being stuck in this place started spilling out. Skating is just another casualty of living here.

I am so defensive, frustrated, angry and generally depressed lately. I try to keep a smile pasted on for the kids but I always feel those emotions bubbling near the surface just waiting to burst through at any moment. This place is killing me emotionally and mentally.

Are you there God? It's me, ZQ.

Sooooo... it has been quite a while since I have posted. Yes, indeedy. Okie dokie.. here's an update. I'm now a married woman. I'm pregnant again. I live in Barstow. I'm starting school full time in the fall. Unfortunately, I'm still as neurotic as ever. Blah. D is still working in Pasadena. That is the major sucks. I see him a couple days out of the week. Uber crapness. Times are rough. Az1 is starting kindergarten in Sept.!!!! YAY!!!! So exciting! Az2 is a big ol'cry baby chunk butt. Remind me not to name this baby with a name that starts with "Az"... K? Thanx much.

I want to craft more. Like a ton more. I want to have more peace and patience about me. I have about nil :( I go to bed every night thinking about how shitty I was today as a mom, wife, friend... etc(especially as a parent). Needless to say, those thoughts don't make for a relaxing sleep. It's hard to sleep. It's really hard to sleep with knots in yur tummy. I want to be one of those perfectly made up, smiling, patient, doting mommies. I'm the complete opposite. I want to be better. I want to be someone else. I want to find peace. >_< But, how? How do I make time for everything and everyone? I'm basically a pregnant single mom. Give me a sign, whoever you are.